body image | beauty

The other day a dear friend asked me if overall I was happy with my body. I replied yes.  Of course there are things that could use more attention or improvement, areas that aren’t perfect, but I’m happy with my body overall.

At first when I responded to my friend’s question, I jokingly said that “well, I listen to a lot of music talking about hot our bodies are…” which is true, but I don’t think that is nearly as affirming as the specific appreciation from loved ones.

As I’ve thought about that question since she asked, I thinking about why am I comfortable and happy with my imperfect body.  As I thought about it I realized a lot of it is largely credited to the influence of my loved ones who’ve been very declarative and specific in their appreciation for me, all of me, my heart, my failures, my body, my hopes, my weaknesses, me, just me.  My friend Amy whose voice I hear in my head when I put on makeup and when I don’t saying “you’re beautiful Katee, you don’t need make-up.” Which is so freeing because I’ve learned to like looking at myself in the mirror without makeup but also enjoying make-up, freely.  My friend Michael who has told me how gorgeous I am, interrupting my insecurity admissions midsentence to tell me in a way so convincing and serious that I would be insane to contradict him, and silly to not take to heart his words.  My second mom and dear buddy Lulu who not only laughs with me at the outlandish things I say and do, but has also affirmed my womanhood in encouraging both cute as well as hott outfits, complimenting my figure and encouraging me to wear more form fitting clothes. Poppa Dale who has not only told me that I have gotten more beautiful since he’s known me as well as pointedly going out of his way to write a beautiful card telling me with that kind fatherly tenderness how stunning I was at our friend’s wedding.  And of course many more, because my friends are awesome and their intentional with their words of love and praise.  And some of them kiss more than an Italian family at a wedding, so if their words don’t get you then their hugs and kisses will.

In scripture God tells us that he knit us together while we were in our momma’s tummy.  My mom use to tell me this all the time, she always encouraged individuality in giftings and beauty, and I now see, this has been the groundwork for much of my life.  There can be so much striving and comparison among girls especially, instead of stewardship and appreciation for both ourselves and each other.  But this doesn’t just happen.  I think that beauty is something that God has created women to long for and to be nurtured in them.  Beauty comes from within to be sure, but is also something to appreciated and nurtured on the exterior.  In the times of the Old Testament, the process of beauty for women was, well a lot.  That said, attention given but not an obsession, which can often be the way of it in our culture.

All the folks I listed above said these things to me after either living with me or living next door to me, seeing the good, the bad and the ugly, but still these were their sentiments.  I don’t think we have to be “all done up” and in our best to embrace the beauty that God has created us to carry, though that is nice, I think the beauty that He has created within us is not so dependent on our rockin’ body or fabulous hair day, but something that comes through more powerful than those things alone.  But that’s another article.

I remember hearing the adage concerning how we walk into a room to be of the mindset “oh there YOU are!!” instead of  “oh here I am.”  And I believe this is helpful in truly noticing the beauty in each other, expressing an appreciation for that beauty and calling it out.  If we are so focused on our insecurity, our need for affirmation, the cycle will continue and we will be too caught up with our own reflection to ever affirm the beauty in those we love so dearly.

My point:

I want to encourage my friends honestly and truthfully and for them to feel how wonderful and beautiful they really are.  No flattery, but the truth. 

Beautiful by Pharrell and Snoop

perspective | understanding | death

Growing up my mom had this Indian Prayer plaque hanging in my bathroom which read

“Grant that I may not criticize my neighbor until I have walked a mile in his moccasins.” 

I think I use to feel that one should just “get over” the loss of loved ones but the older I get, the closer I grow to God, the more I realize, as C.S. Lewis points out throughout his book “A Grief Observed,” that the loss caused by death is grief that is a process and not a state.  It’s been almost 17 years since my Dad passed away and sometimes it feels like it was yesterday.  Right now it feels like it was yesterday.  I think especially this time of year is hard because I have such great memories with him.  Him BBQing, going to the creek, the country, stopping at this funky little stand that sold sweet potato pies and pulled pork (probably the only one in all of Oklahoma), eating watermelon in the evening sun, riding bikes, many things that are my childhood experiences.

The last time I went to see my mom and she asked me if we could watch old home movies together I had to decline.  Watching them makes me so sad and to be honest, the pain has been more than I’ve known what to do with.  If she asked me today, I would say yes, not because it’s easy but because I’m ready and willing to go to that place and go to that place with her.

The older I’ve gotten, the more I realize the loss that she experienced when my father, her husband of 17 years, passed away.  My mom came from a fairly hard life and when her and my dad got married in her mid-twenties, they began enjoying life together and building a life together.  My dad had gone through a rough time of his life so as a distraction from the pain, he got a second job working the graveyard shift at a local cafe where my mom worked mornings.  My mom, completely oblivious to the fact that my dad was interested in her, was shocked when he called her and asked to take her out.  Their relationship grew and they married.  They were a really great team!  My dad loved my mom so much.  He was very kind, a very hard worker and creative in making things beautiful around the yard for her.  Though I lost my dad, my mom lost her man with whom she as an adult had built a life with, this man who was reliable and stable, her world radically changed.  Loosing a parent is hard, but I think loosing a your husband or wife would be something far more shaking.

It’s been easy for me in the past to wish my mom would just get over the fact that my dad is gone, but time and God have shown me the unnaturalness of death, the intense pain that forever resides deep in the heart when we loose those we love.  We were created for the garden, we were created for eden, a place without death.  Grief is a process and not a state.  Jesus knows exactly how to comfort us because He knows us intimately and fully, an his comfort is not empty but is truthful about our pain while simultaneously filling us with life and peace because as the scripture states “a mind set on the spirit is life and peace.”   To be with God, to receive his love, to pour out the truth of my heart to him is the basis of it all.

At the end of “A Grief Observed,” by CS Lewis, he states

“But then of course I know perfectly well that He can’t be used as a road. If you’re approaching Him not as the goal but as a road, not as the end but as a means, you’re not really approaching Him at all.”  

And I think this is a pretty appropriate response to the need of healing and comfort that comes with the loss of loved ones, the loneliness of life, the deep needs of the human heart, to draw near to God for the sake of being near him, not gaining my personal understanding of a theological viewpoint I wish to validate, but just to be with Him.

I miss my dad a lot, and that doesn’t change because he left when I was young and he’s never coming back.  And that’s okay.

mother’s day

I love my mom more than words could express.

We’ve been through a lot together.

Growing up I was always really close to my parents.  As an only child, vacations and family days were just me and them.  When my dad died when I was 12 years-old it was just me + mom.

As a mother mom you’ve always shown me unwavering loyalty, dedication, support, and love.  Not to mention a beautiful hope for the dreams growing in my heart.

Regardless of anything I would do… Mom has been….

•  • Always There •  • Ready to Help •  • Ready to Stand Up for Me •  • Protect Me •  •

Mom knows things!! She is not perfect and that kind of pressure should never be put on anyone. But as someone who knows God’s voice and has been with me through my whole life, she knows things and I’ve found her opinion should always be listened to.

I love and respect my mom.

•  •  Her honesty and openness with me have not only brought us closer together in our relationship but have shown me even more clearly how beautiful she is, inside and out.

Vulnerability and safety should be in continual operation in our relationships and to experience this with my mom is a gift.

I miss my mom.  I wish I could have her over for Sunday dinners.  I am thankful for my mom’s prayers for me.  Her knowledge that ultimately I belong to God.

I love my mama a lot and hope one day I will be willing to open my heart enough to love someone as much as a mother loves her children.

 

remembering her sacrifice and love, honoring mom this mother’s day  |  xoxo  |  katee grace

jesus first

Some days I feel like I’ve just always been walking through life with Jesus, I feel Him so near and I’m so willing to trust His voice and His leading, I just rest in Him and enjoy Him despite circumstances in life.  Other times I feel this is a life I’ve only a glimpse into and I’ve only touched the surface, I’m barely hanging on and straining to put the puzzle pieces of my life together.

Last week I was abruptly stopped by a broken foot, followed by 3 ribs out of place and a sudden awareness of my looking to my circumstances and praying over them and praying into them, wanting to “bath them in prayer,” but looking directly to Jesus just for the sake of looking to Him was second.  As I have been slowed down this week, I’ve become acutely aware and unable to escape the reality that Jesus delights in me, simply because He delights in me, not because I’ve invited Him into x, y & z of my life but simply because I belong to Him, He created me and He delights in me, He enjoys me.   To enjoy Christ in the daily activities of my life is wonderful but to be quiet, to shut up and just hear His voice and feel His nearness and attentiveness to every detail of my heart is humbling, amazing but requires a discipline of rest and humility that I struggle with.

Two verses of the scriptures God has been bringing to mind lately include a passage from Ephesians 3

“May you be rooted deep in love and founded securely on love, that you may have the power and be strong to apprehend and grasp with all the saints, God’s devoted people, the experience of that love, what is the breadth and length and height and depth of it; that you may really come to know practically, through experience for yourselves the love of Christ, which far surpasses mere knowledge without experience; that you may be filled through all your being unto all the fullness of God may have the richest measure of the divine Presence, and become a body wholly filled and flooded with God Himself!”

“He brought me forth also into a large place; He was delivering me because He was pleased with me and delighted in me.” Psalm 18

Jesus has to be first.  He is my life, He is where it all starts and finishes, to enjoy Him for the sake of enjoying Him is not just a nice add on to this life but the very essence of everything.  Not being with Him to gain some spiritual truth or deep theological answer but to be with Him simply for the sake of being with Him.  I remember 2 years ago when I got hurt another time, I was stuck to the couch and I remember getting my Bible out, journal in hand, ready to GO! and I was restless and perplexed as I opened the scriptures and was finding no direction.  In my state of frustration and wanting to “set time aside for the Lord” I asked Him what was up, what did He want from me, where was I supposed to read, etc… He simply said “Katee, can’t you just be with Me?” knife to the heart, “that’s what I want, you to sit and be with Me.”  Tears fill my eyes as I write this because it’s so simple, His love is so pure and strong for me, He just wants to be with me.

I like this quote by Teresa of Avila “It is love that gives worth to all things.” 

To know the love of Christ which far surpasses mere knowledge, to experience His delight in me, who I am, with all of my imperfections, idiosyncrasies, passions, weaknesses, hopes, dreams, fears, to enjoy me on all of those levels is a beautiful thing.

A friend earlier this week, in seeing God’s working goodness out of the bad in this frustrating time in my life said, “The process is hard, but His love is so beautiful.” 

Jesus First.  Not the problems, questions or circumstances, but Jesus.  In Psalms 138 it says that “the Lord will perfect that which concerns me; Your mercy and loving-kindness, O Lord, endure forever.” God loves me and every detail of my life and heart and I can trust Him and roll everything on to Him, the government of my life is on His shoulders.  While I pray over things and ask His guidance and wisdom and purposes in them, I first look to Jesus just to receive His love and delight, to enjoy Him.

contentment in the present chapter

Looking forward and hoping for the future to be good is healthy I believe but a constant focus on certain things in life changing and a discontentment with the present season is not only frustrating but seems to steal a thankfulness for the good things in this season as well as keep us from actually engaging with the season in life we are in.

I find myself continually hearing God ask me to relax and enjoy the journey.  Stop trying to figure out how a, b and c fit together but engage in the present with a,b, and c, relax, trust God and be free.

It seems that as humans we have this continual thirst for more, continual grasping for the next good thing that we are hoping for or expecting.  But God is so insightful and so plainly says “Godliness with contentment is itself great wealth.”  (1 Timothy 6:6)  According to Webster, to be content means “satisfied with what one is or has.”  In the amplified version of this scripture, it says to have “an inward sufficiency.”  Being quiet and knowing that God is more than enough and He has way more insight into our lives and ability to grow our lives and us than we could ever muster up and to recognize how deeply satisfying just being with Him is.  I recognize in myself that when I am most content in the season that God has me, whether it be extra challenging or filled with a bit more ease circumstantially, that contentment and satisfaction has thankfulness as a fruit as well as a general enjoyment of life.  As I allow the supposed frustrations that I should feel at a given stage in life to begin to usurp the contentment in God’s goodness to me in this season, I not only begin to find myself less present in each moment but more frustrated and more dissatisfied.  To be dissatisfied with the current season that I am in would mean that my life is not filled with love and hope but with greed and lust.

Sometimes we can get sucked into the pressures around us.  The pressures to be on track with other people, or the pressure to be in the season that someone else is in, the pressure of thinking that the grass is greener on the other side when the reality is that both lawns need water and attention and can both grow and flourish and will both have weeds.

A few months back I was chatting with the mom of a family whose kids I regularly babysit for and she was asking me what I was doing the following day and I mentioned something about getting home so I could get to bed because I always wake up early even if I don’t have to.  She so casually and quickly said “Girl, you better sleep in! There will be a time when you’ll have kids and you’ll have to be up early…”  Since that conversation I have made a conscious decision to sleep in more often when I can.  There are so many things in the season that we are in that are a gift from God to us and if we are over-occupied with getting to the next season we will miss them and this cycle will just continue for the rest of our lives to the point where we could miss our whole life waiting on the next thing.

Instead of looking at areas of my life that I hope continue growing and changing and focusing on the lack of growth and change, resetting my mind to say like David said “The lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; yes, I have a good heritage,” (Psalm 16)  will yield more of a harvest of rightness and God’s will for me in my life than the focus on the lack of ____.

Whatever the chapter of our lives we are currently in, God has unique and beautiful gifts for us in them, deep truths for us to understand and grasp and ultimately a full experience of engaging with Him and with those around us in the moment.

In choosing contentment and thankfulness, I find a propensity in me to live free • enjoy the journey • relax and trust Him, which is exactly what the Lord is constantly asking me to do.  I think life is better this way…

xoxo | katee grace | much love + peace to your heart

there is no difference between the sacred + the secular

One of my all time favorite texts from scripture is Acts 17:26-29 And He made from one common origin, one source, one blood all nations of men to settle on the face of the earth, having definitely determined their allotted periods of time and the fixed boundaries of their settlements, lands, and habitations, so that they should seek God, in the hope that they might feel after Him and find Him, although He is not far from each one of us. For in Him we live and move and have our being; as even some of your own poets have said, For we are also His offspring.

Often I look for God in big things, I want to do things that matter, to have a life without purpose is one of the most frightening things.  But to understand that where I live is on purpose, who I live with, live next door to, who I run into at the market, who I work with and all of the joys and challenges of life are opportunities divinely appointed by God for me and those around me to find him, this is what I desire.  I love how the text says “feel after Him and find Him, although he is not far from each one of us.”  Ahhhh! For a girl who is needs lots of physical affection, this warms my heart immediately.  And I know as soon as I truly begin to feel after Him and look to Him I can get lost in His love.  What a gift.

But what if, what if these things that seem so menial are of His beautiful divine plan, what if it isn’t so complicated.  What if the gifts of prophecy and encouragement and knowledge are to be played out in our lives a little more naturally and simply than a grand show at a local church?  What if God wants to download huge amounts of love through us to the man at the art museum or the lady at the market?  These things take not only a sweet abiding in the love and presence of Christ but also a boldness and humility that I really want.

A few months back I was chatting with a friend about her boyfriend’s business and a series of business meetings he was at.  She shared a bit of how she’d been praying for him, he would send her a message with what was going on and she would start praying.  She made the statement about how it was like he was on a mission trip the way she was praying for him and the connections and the business and everything.  I was so humbled and yet since then have been asking the Lord to show me how to live more this way.  What if there is no difference between the sacred and the secular?

Where have we boxed God in?  Have I missed God’s intentionality in the circumstances I am finding myself in today? Yesterday? Tomorrow? 6 months ago?  Next Week?  He has something beautiful for us to walk in to bring His will and His kingdom to this earth each day, are we choosing to enjoy and walk in those things?   The other day my dear friend “A” made a great comment “If you are keeping one foot in the past you can’t walk forward.”  There are situations divinely designed for people to experience God, for us to experience His ways and love, and they aren’t just across the world, they are in the next room, they are down the street.

may we walk on in the love and fullness of Christ.

much love + peace to your heart, katee grace

merry-go-round poem | beauty from ashes

Yesterday morning when I picked up my mail from the post office I stopped cold in my steps as tears poured from my eyes on the steps of the Summerland Post Office as I read this poem in Westside Pregnancy Clinic newsletter.

Play, my children, play

Play on the merry-go-round

I imagine your laughter

And it makes me smile

Be sure to hold on tight

You big kids don’t spin too fast

Make sure the little ones are safe

And that your wings don’t clash

Deseray and Jasmine, being the oldest

You two are in charge

Be sure to be good examples

and to share with the group at large

Mia and Sophia, be sure not to tease

Always say “thank you,” “i love you,”

and don’t forget “please.”

Sweet Kristopher — my eldest boy of all

while you are playing

Make sure Caiden and Caleb don’t fall

But if they do it’s okay

For I know they will not be in harm’s way

The Lord will comfort them

and may even give them a band-aid

Knowing there is no better

place you could be

Brings peace to my heart

and less regret that we are apart

I know there is lots of fun stuff to do

in the playgrounds of heaven

But my favorite is the merry-go-round

because it has room for seven.

And when it stops spinning

you may be a little dizzy

Just hold on to each other

until things don’t seem so busy

The day will come when

we will be together again

And I will spin you around

and we will laugh in heaven’s beautiful weather

What a joy it will be to hear that sound

As I spin you all around!

Until then, play, my children, play

Play on the merry-go-round.

-C.K., Post-Abortion Recovery Program Participant at WPC

There’s this tendency in us as humans, in our desire for wholeness and everything to be “okay” to detach or deny from our experiences, our choices, our lives.   At least for me I’ve experienced this to a large degree, not knowing that this detachment from certain choices I made as a young girl caused a general detachment from life as a whole.   There are those certain acts that we see as the “scarlet letter” that we are forever destined to wear, the identifying of who we are, the dictionary definition next to our name.  Maybe it wasn’t choices that were made but experiences of abuse or neglect or rejection, those that often lead to the choices that we further solidify how we see ourselves and experience our lives and those around us.   Healing of the heart does not just happen because time goes by,  just as healing of the a broken leg will not get better just because you keep walking on it and hope that the longer time between the injury will bring healing.

I’ve sat many times with my good friend Sue and as we’ve discussed how to love and pray for people we are praying for, for the things our hearts are hurting for and our own experiences and challenges, time and again, the final analysis about so many things is that “we do what we know (in that time).”   Sometimes we only know destruction or self-preservation, so our actions are destructive and made from a place of pain.  Other times, we are doing what we feel we need for our own safety or maybe the safety of others, for our own fulfillment, and if those decisions are made alone or from a place of wounding can produce a heart in need of deep healing. And of course so many things in between there.  Then the truth that God is not surprised by our decisions and He is waiting to come and create something beautiful from the pain, scripture calls it beauty from ashes.

I cannot even begin to imagine the deep wounds of pain and longing that “C.K” experiences on a daily basis, those deep, empty recesses for years but God knows and these deep places hold His incomparable love so well.  I truly believe that the deep pain is just opportunity to experience the love of Christ in ways that we did not have room to experience until we realized these deep longings and pains.

May we open our hearts to each other, feel each others pain and joy, and find God in the midst of us, pouring His love into us and those around us.

xoxo | much love & peace to your heart | katee grace

 

p.s.

give lots of hugs… your health depends on it